Monday, July 10, 2006

Premium

Its back.

Finally.

I have sat down, or had thoughts I wanted to put onto e-paper, and for 183,173 reasons I just have not gotten the job done over the last 6 months or so. So, perhaps I will write more regularly again, I certainly would like to. And away we go…

This past weekend, Julia (gf) and I ventured down the Henry Hudson Parkway to visit alma mater, Manhattan College. Over the winter we had talked about taking a trip down when the weather got nice and Saturday was gorgeous. 85, sunny, summer in the city.

We arrived in the middle of the day to a near empty campus. It was almost as if we had called ahead and asked everyone to go away. We wandered around the dorms, student center, and campus in general. I went to Manhattan for all 4 years, and I had not been back to campus since I graduated.

What I didn’t anticipate was the sense of both accomplishment and like I was walking through a dream. Having spent most of 4 years there, coming back was very much like it didn’t happen but existed only in my mind’s eye.

Does that happen to you? Does a place, person, or something else entirely trigger emotions, thoughts, or memories?

I walked past Draddy Gymnasium and all those nights of pickup basketball games came back. Hour after hour. The student center brought back memories of those wonderful secrets that were the ingredients of our dinners. The Quad, the 8 trees symbolizing the 8 semesters. All the classrooms and hours of class and the work associated with it. Tests, reading, papers.

Did it all really happen? It seemed to flash by in an instant. But thinking of the 120 credits and 4 years I felt a tremendous sense of pride for accomplishing that chapter of my life.

But there I was, in a new chapter of my life poking around the past. Two worlds coming together. Julia was very happy to see where I was for school. She got to see all the little things that made up a big part of my life, and seeing how shes a big part of my life now, it was nice for two worlds to come together.

After our adventure in the Bronx we headed back home and there was a traffic stoppage on the Taconic parkway and we took a roundabout way to Carmel, where she works, so I got to see where she goes everyday. Nearby is a McDonalds. We both needed a “pitstop” and while in a McDonalds for the first time in ages I bought one of their new Premium Iced Coffees.



Lets all pause for a second and think about that gem.

McDonalds sells something called “Premium”

Known to all as the creator of legions of obese people stuffing themselves with Big Macs and buckets of Fries so deep you need a ladder to get down to the bottom. McDonalds has the balls to call something they make “Premium”.

Lets ask Google for a definition of Premium.

The Interweb says:

adjective
1
premium
having or reflecting superior quality or value; "premium gasoline at a premium price"

All righty then. Let me ask you this. Is there a group of people more insane than coffee drinkers? Think about it. I know plenty of people so crazed about their coffee they can not even touch a cup unless its perfect. The perfect amount of milk or cream. The perfect amount of sugar or splenda or whatever byproducts of chemistry gone wrong that we put into our food. Starbucks realizes this and will not put anything other than alittle sweetener into their regular coffee drinks and they ask your permission before doing so. You, the consumer are 100% responsible for your sweetener and milk product. Dunkin Donuts adds the milk and sugar for you, but are very accepting if you hand the cup back and request the milk content be changed from 31% to 34%.

McDonalds is known for making such tasty treats like chicken McNuggets, consisting of assorted animal parts such as chicken beaks and assholes.

Their burgers, are something even more bizarre than the chicken.

So, a company known for cutting corners in quality in the ingredients now wants us to buy something called “Premium”, an worst of all, its coffee!?!?

I love my iced coffee. There is nothing better than a bucket of iced coffee on a hot day. My favorite is Dunkin Donuts. Large French vanilla, iced, light and sweet with milk please.

I took the plunge. I ordered a large vanilla flavored Premium iced coffee.

How bad could it be? Its coffee. Milk. Sugar. Over ice. Surely they cant screw this up.

As we drove down rt84 towards home I sipped on my beverage and to my surprise, it was rather tasty. I was shocked. It tasted as good as anything I’ve ever had from Dunkin Donuts.

But…

The more I had, the more it began to betray me. A gurgle here, a gurgle there. Much like a Big Mac, 1 bite is probably fine. But trying to eat 3 of them is probably not a good idea.

I polished it off and felt every inch of my body it made contact with. It slithered through my stomach and into my intestines like a poisonous snake.

We got home and I am surprised the smoke alarm did not go off. It was as if the coffee planted explosives along my digestive system and once they were all planted.

BOOM!

My will was broken, I gave up in submission and spent a solid 10mins in the bathroom. Good God almighty. It was as if anything this devil’s poison touched, it dragged out with it. It was leftover fireworks from the 4th of July.

After the “event” I got into bed at approximately 6pm. I was asleep for nearly 2 and a half hours in a trash induced coma. My body shut down and had to recuperate in an unconscious state.

I awoke with a headache.

What a disaster.

It is amazing that EVERYTHING McDonalds makes, SUCKS. Anything they put together, my body rejects like arsenic.

And who the hell is going to order one of these buckets of filth other than someone out of curiosity? What at McDonalds actually goes with one of these drinks? Can you imagine the lethal combo of having a Big Mac meal + one of these iced coffees? Who drinks coffee while eating a chicken sandwhich or cheeseburger? Am I the only one asking this question?

My prediction, it will be off the menu by the end of the summer never to be seen again.

The only thing Premium about that experience was the premium amount of toilet paper I used.

*Flush*

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